April 25

How to Break Up With Someone Nicely: 10 No Bullshi* Tips

Relationships & Society

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Admit it. 

Breaking up is never easy. 

There's no magic tip, trick, strategy, or hack capable of turning a difficult situation into a good one. 

But, if you’re looking for ways on how to break up with someone nicely, to part amicably, a valuable tip can make it happen, all the more easier and without it getting nasty.

Here are ten such tips.  

What do you say to break up with someone nicely

Here's the thing.

When your breaking up with someone, you've got to be direct. 

No beaten around the bush. It's convoluting otherwise.  

While you don't want to say anything to hurt the other person, you still need to make it clear. 

And, never use the 'it's not you', 'it's me' tact. That's just insulting.

It also leaves the other person both heartbroken and on a quick road to self deprecating. 

Personally, I would favour a script. So, you're not cut short with your delivery and end up saying something you don't mean. 

This isn't a time for fluffiness. The less BS , the easier it is for the other person to hear the message clearly!

7 - 38 - 55 Communication Rule

Listen:

Most breakups are painful. 

I know that. You know that. Everybody knows that. 

But, is it possible your tone of voice and body language are much more important than what you’re actually saying?

Absolutely.

Have you ever heard of Albert Mehrabian's 7-38-55 Communication rule?

The 7-38-55 rule is a concept concerning the communication of emotions. 

The rule states that 7% spoken words, 38% voice/tone, and 55% body language. 

In other words (no pun intended), when you're sitting down next to your soon-to-be ex partner, having a better understanding of how to deliver your message is really going to make all the difference.

1. Be honest

Real honesty scares the shit out of most people. 

The trap most of us prefer to fall into is, if we hide behind our true thoughts and feelings then we’re not going to hurt our partners. 

Not true.

In fact, the opposite is true.

Being honest with our partners no matter the outcome and expressing our true selves is one of the hardest things to do.

But, it is the right thing to do. And, sometimes the right thing to do, is more important. 

I mean, who wants to say “Hey, this isn’t working out for me”...?

Don't get me wrong. I get it. 

Nobody wants to hurt anybody (unless you're a narcissist). 

But, unfortunately, you end up hurting someone more, the longer your string a relationship out. 

Leading someone on through a false premise, isn’t nice either. 

If you’ve got something you need to tell someone , do the right thing.

Be true to you heart and tell your partner this relationship is no longer adding value to your life and it’s time for the two of you to part ways. 

2. Compassion is king

Emotions are scary. Never mind someone else's.

Heck, most people stay in relationships , to avoid dealing with their emotions. 

Having compassion for someone else and how their feeling can go a long way, when it comes to ending a relationship.

From the way you deliver the message to the ongoing support after. 

Compassion is a sign you still care. 

It’s a sign that you’ve still got feelings for the person even though there's no longer a romantic connection. 

When your partner is going through heartbreak, showing compassion can make the break up more peaceful and smoother for everyone involved. 

3. Show up with respect 

I’ll be honest. Respect is a big deal. 

We’ve all heard the saying: Treat a person, how you would want to be treated. 

Let me guess. If you’re reading this article then it’s most likely you’re the one initiating the separation. 

The secret to a nicer break up, is showing the other person respect. 

Respect their emotions. Respect their space. Respect their boundaries.

4. Provide a supportive ear

If it's done, then it’s done. 

Walk away and let the person go. 

But, sometimes for some people, there’s room for friendship. Or, at the very least, support during and/or after the break up. 

I think one of the hardest things about a break up is, this person has been intimately involved in your life, then as soon the romantic connection ceases, as does all communication and physical contact cease too. 

Essentially, they vanish from your life.

It's important to understand, all break ups must go through a grieving process. 

However, if you can be a support pillar to your partner during a break, this can significantly help with this process.  

But, only do it if you're sincere with your intentions. 

In other words. You actually mean it. 

Avoid tip toeing. If you're there to support the other, then check in with them , give them a phone call, catch up for a coffee. Let them know you’re there and encourage ongoing support. 

Your ex partner is still reeling over you, the last thing you want to do is give them mixed messages. 

Note: Make sure you're both aware of the boundaries between support and intimacy. There is a big difference. 

5. Avoid the blame game

Many of us hate to admit we’re wrong. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. 

Breaking up with someone is uncomfortable - unless of course you both know it’s coming. 

Nonetheless, when the relationship is over, don’t turn it into a blame game. 

“It’s your fault, this has happened”. 

Nope. Not cool. 

This only makes things harder for the other person. 

Have your reasons for ending the relationships and do it honourably. 

It’s nicer for the other person to hear it wasn’t their fault, rather, you’re no longer interested.

For them, it's easier to let go if they know it wasn’t their fault. Otherwise, they can end up torturing themselves for not being good enough. 

After all, no one can argue with another person's feelings. 

There’s no one to blame here. Other than things have changed and it’s time to move forward to new chapters. 

6. Seek some kind of closure

When you’ve made your decision to break up with someone nicely, don’t leave them hanging on. 

Be sure to give them closure. 

This closure encourages the 'moving on' process. 

Remember, if you're the one initiating the breakup, then this person will still have feelings for you. 

And, these feelings will be highly volatile and raw. 

Avoid leaving the door open with statements like “maybe in the future we can see where we’re both at”. Don’t do that. 

As much as you’re trying to soften the blow, this is only going to make the other person hopeful. 

When we know something is final we have a better chance of moving on. 

After all, you do want them to meet someone else....eventually, right? 

Closure opens up the space to heal and to accept the relationships has ended. 

Let's be honest. 

When someone breaks up with you, you feel pretty shit about yourselves. So don't rub salt to the wound and leave the other person guessing what went wrong. 

7. Pick the appropriate timing 

Ask yourself this question. 

Would you like to hear the relationships is over just before heading to work when you’ve got a stacked day of important meetings…?

If the answer is no, then seriously consider the timing of the “we need to talk” conversation. 

Especially, if children are involved. That’s a given. 

Timing is everything. 

If you are serious about breaking up with someone nicely, then find the right time to do it. 

Take into consideration, how the other is going to be feeling and make sure their environment helps to support and comfort their emotions. 

A busy cafe is probably not the best idea. At home together, is much better. 

Most of us are rather awkward publicly displaying emotions, so have discernment about when and where to break up with someone.  

8. Choose empathy 

I’m a big fan of empathy. 

Because, empathy is rooted in kindness. 

And, kindness is free and it’s something we all have. But, only a few, know how to use it. 

When breaking up with someone, having an understanding of how the other person is feeling and what they are going through is one of the nicest acts of kindness, you could do for another. 

While there's a tendency to want to put closure to a breakup as quickly as possible, to avoid seeing heartache, it’s possible to do this in a loving way. 

Empathy after all, is pretty simple. 

Understanding breaks ups involve a lot of scary emotions. Most of the time, we’re not comfortable with these feelings. 

And, each of us deal with these emotions differently. 

When it comes to a break up, empathy for our partners, is about acknowledging we are all different and a 'one size fits all approach' isn't the answer. 

This can go a long way in helping a smoother seperation from each other. 

Note: The emotions of your ex partner are no longer your responsibility. Be sure to know where your boundaries are.  

9. Deliver the news in person 

Most of us hate confrontation. 

It’s scary. It’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. 

So, it goes without saying, most of us avoid having any kind of confrontation (if we can). 

Even, when we know we're doing wrong. 

Lets face it.

It’s so much easier to tell someone by text “Hey, I know longer want to be in a relationship with you”.

Than to sit down face to face and witness the heartbreak of another. 

But, does that necessary mean it’s the right way?

Hell no. 

A face to face breakup is common courtesy. It's the very least a person deserves. 

Don’t be a coward and hide behind a screen.

Remember, this is a person who once loved, or at the very least had strong feelings for, so you owe it to them and yourself to break up with integrity. 

10. Invest in yourself afterwards

Sounds odd, I know.

After all, you're the one who called it quits. 

But, what I’m really saying here is, don't bed hop. Give yourself time, to learn the lessons and to heal as well. 

Rebounding into other relationships isn’t healthy. 

You end up camouflaging your emotions and you fail to address the core issues which were lurking in the closet. Unfortunately, these issues only get transported with you and onto other relationships. 

If this is a long term relationships you will need to reclaim a bit of your identity again. For a period of time this can feel pretty scary. 

Take things slowly and get to know who you are again.

As for your ex, it’s comforting to know there was no third party involved. It helps them to move on and encourages them to work on themselves too. 

This really is such an understated tip, it’s without a doubt the most important one. 

Self Love really is the best medicine after a break up. 

Conclusion

Most of us read this post and felt somewhat a sense of relief. 

Phew. 

You can break up with someone nicely. 

Having said that, it doesn't make the task any easier. 

Remember you entered the relationship as an adult, so make sure you end it like one. 

Choose love,

Loz

About the author 

Lauren Ringer

Loz runs a holistic womens surf company over at houseofsurf.co and is also a passionate life coach and full-time wood nymph. She's a Gypset on a mission to cultivate a conscious lifestyle - by design.  When away from her laptop, you can find her, in the surf, hugging trees and philosophising whist sipping her chaga tea. 

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